OKCupid: Israel Edition

I'm sorry to say that dating in Israel is just as bad as in the US. But, at least, you can often find free entertainment.

I decided to briefly try OKCupid while in Jerusalem. And while it hasn't yielded any dates -- my inability to speak Hebrew strikes again -- it's an interesting user experience. Take a look at some of the questions from Israeli OKCupid, along with some "translations" from me.

Yalla.

Kravi in Hebrew means combat. Unless you check Urban Dictionary, in which case it means "off your rocker." How can "being kravi" be a turn on? Is this even grammatical?

Wait, what? What kinds of nicknames are these?

Neshama means soul, which is a little heavy for some dude you met off the internet. Depending on the accentuation, kapara means atonement. I don't know about you, but a partner seeing me as penitence ain't sexy. Really, there's nothing sexy about the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur where you fast for 26 hours so you don't die (sorry for the oversimplification).

Is mami just mami? Huh?

Meisbot teva are nature parties. They're literally big festivals that take place in natural settings. These used to be more widely advertised, but now you need to know a guy who knows a guy to go to one.

I'm not even cool enough to answer this question.

Psst... if you say anything besides the Kinneret they'll know you're a foreigner.

Okay, there are some drinks here that the average non-Israeli won't recognize. Allow me to describe them.

Arak: Because who hasn't dreamed of taking shots of liquid anise?

Tubi: Citrus liquor that gets as much ad money as Budweiser. Or at least that's how it feels. So put on your black leggings and Uggs and pour some into your PSL.

Most people will probably be happier with good old fashioned beer, or as we I like to call it, fermented bread in a cup.

The Coke vs. Pepsi of Israel. You might as well ask your date if they prefer electric or manual toothbrushes. It'll tell you about as much about them as Bamba's corn-covered peanut butter puffs ever could.

If I break down "lo zeh ve lo zeh," I think it means "not this and not this." You can trust my translation. I'm now in level one of Duolingo's Hebrew track.

Israel's Colbert Report. I've never seen it. But considering I'm now in level one of Duolingo's Hebrew track, I'm basically fluent and should give it a go.

Food and more food. You've probably tried schnitzel, but have you tried Jewish schnitzel? No, it's not magical. They just use chicken instead of pork.

Kubbeh is a dumpling often found in soup and is a popular regional food.

Jachnun is a Yemenite Jewish pastry. It's cheese, it's tomato, it's fried bread. It's also the name of a mini restaurant chain in Jerusalem. One location is kosher. The other isn't and you can go on the Jewish Sabbath and late at night to cure the drunkies.

A hot sauce. I learned something today!

Hoping to learn more about actual dating here? You can join the Facebook group Dates from Hell-Aviv. Or listen to the podcast Kiss and Tel Aviv (do you see a theme?).

Or, perhaps best of all: Ask your parents to hire a matchmaker in Jerusalem to arrange a shidduch. Then you can finally get married already and give your parents grandkids.